Life as the Mom of a Preemie

This isn't meant to be me complaining... I just need to share.

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Maybe it’s my personality or maybe it was the experience we had but I’m not ready to go through it again. Don’t get me wrong. This life as a mom has been amazing; I love my little man more than anything else in this world. But no, I am not ready to have another child. Am I scared? Heck yes. Life as a mom of a preemie is hard. It sucks. I had a different experience; and yes, I might have taken it to extreme but it’s all I know. Life changed that day and there was no stopping it.

First, please don’t take it to heart if I don’t want to hold/touch your small baby. When we spent time in NICU it was basically a crime to touch a baby without washing your hands. When you enter the room, again when you go to touch him, right after you change a diaper and after you eat. You learn that is what you “must” do to keep your tiny baby healthy. So when you go to touch my baby and I have a minor heart attack, please wash your hands. I will do the same in return or I will simply not touch or hold your baby; I have a snotty toddler at home. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just know no different.

When I get choked up thinking about our hospital experience, please realize that it was a lot different than your experience. I didn’t get sweet hospital pictures, family visits in the room and most importantly to take my baby home! I walked miles (or seemed like miles to a recovering body) the first days after having a baby just to see him. I cried every night I had to drive home without my baby. I would leave the hospital around 10:30-11 at night to drive home, take a shower, pump, sleep for a couple hours, pump, go back to sleep and get up at 6 so I could be back at the hospital by the 7am feeding. It was rough and trying. Again I know no different.

By being in the hospital he had a schedule. We had a schedule. And we stuck to it. You tell me he needs to eat every three hours, guess what I’m going to follow instructions and do so. Maybe my personality made it extreme but we have a schedule and we stick to it. Even to this day.
This was purely my choice… but looking back pumping for 6 months was not what I should have done. When you have a baby that doesn’t have the suck/swallow reflex and nurses telling you that breast milk is the best thing for his development, there is no turning back, you do what you have to do. At least that is what I thought. But every three hours, 24/7 for months wears a person down. I truly hope it helped him because it was rough and painful.

Development is tough, it’s worrisome. It about takes you down. I worried all the time about Parker’s development. What I could do, what I should do, what I wasn’t doing… I’ve never came out and talked about it but around 12 months we started therapy because he wasn’t crawling/eating/doing “normal” things. We found out that he in fact was ok. But that year of worrying and then starting therapy is something that is not normal.

So when you ask if I’m ready for another child, please take my “experience” into consideration. Would I do everything again? Absolutely. I wouldn’t trade my little man for anything. I would sacrifice it all again for him. I’m just not ready yet.

Edit - 4/9/13 - In no way what I said above was meant to mean that I am ungrateful for what I have.  We have a healthy and happy little guy.  My heart breaks for those that spend more time in NICU, have further development issues, have children with disease at such a young age, those that are trying to have babies, those babies that have been lost and the foster parents that love and have to let go.  I am forever blessed.